Deathy Hollows Part II: Dreams Come True

Guys! Ohmygod, you guys! So, I sat down to write the second part of my epic multi-installment review of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hollows Part One: Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. Being as it’s now been almost a week since I’ve seen the film, I went on IMDB just to make sure I wasn’t letting my rapier wit get in the way of the accurate chronology of events. AND GUESS WHAT?! Remember last time when I told you that the drunken Exposition!Witch at Bill and Fleur’s wedding was played by my high school French Teacher, Mme. Schiffer and you were all like, “Lolz, Wasser. No she wasn’t. And your French name in high school was Eponine? Silly, silly Wasser.” It was a pretty good line, right? Well, originally, the joke was that said drunken wedding guest was played by my great aunt Muriel: I nixed it because that’s really only funny if you attended my cousin Danny’s Bar Mitzvah earlier this month. (You didn’t, did you?). BUT, according to IMDB, the character is actually Ron’s great aunt Muriel! Oh, sweet cosmic dramaturge, how hi-larious I find that! And that really throws a wrench in my argument that there are only Christian wizards, right? I mean, between Anthony Goldstein and old mushugana Muriel Weasley you have almost one complete Jewzard!

How do you think Jewish wizards would utilize their magical prowess? They’d probably just be really sardonic and passive aggressive with their wizardry, like, at a restaurant they’d mutter under their breath, “Accio a decent bagel” or reading a paper they’d be like, “Harry Potter is the chosen one? Please, that little nebbishy kid? My little Jake has more 'chosen' in his pinky than that Potter kid has in his whole body. You know who thought he was the Chosen One? Hitler thought he was the Chosen One!” But I digress. More on Nazis later (seriously). On with part two!

We left off at Bill and Fleur’s wedding: the Ministry has just fallen and Shaft-albot just sent over his Patronous as a warning. By the by, I forgot to mention last time that Dumbledore leaves the Trio stuff in his will: Hermoine gets a kid’s book, Ron getS that thing that Galadriel gave to Frodo in Lord of the Rings and Harry gets the Snitch that he caught during his first Quidditch game. They’re all a little disappointed and so am I, mainly because this is Bill Nighy’s second and final scene in the movie and we’re only 20 or so minutes in. I would also like to point out that this is a pivotal scene in the story as these gifts will be used as tools to explain what the Deathly Hollows are and why they are important. BUT NO ONE CARES because it's HELLA BORING. I’m about to go off on a tangent, so if you’d rather just read funny things I have to say about the movie, feel free to skip the following bracketed passage:

{Really, in this exceptionally rich fandom, the plot device of the Deathly Hollows (the objects, not the books) is widely ignoredn because it has nothing to do with the development of the characters we love. I understand that JK Rowling needs some sort of structure the kids can follow on their journey to destroy the Horcruxes, but honestly when you think of Harry Potter you who thinks of the origin of the invisibility cloak or Dumbledore’s mad obsession for some powerful phallic symbol (lest we forget that he’s a little light in his leggings)? No one, that's who. The stuff the fans really want to be expanded upon, like what happens behind the Veil in the Hall of Mysteries or the origins of Regulus Black are conveniently ignored by Jo; in some ways, this has been the salvation of the fandom, as we are forced to fill in the gaps of the narrative. But that means we have to watch the origins of “Rock, Paper, Scissors unfold for not one, but two movies. And, I’m sorry, but no Tim Burton animated reprieve is going to make it more bearable. It’s enough that we have to deal with his bat-shit insane wife.}

Ahem. Excuse me, I had several years of bitterness stuck in my throat. Anyhoo, luckily for the golden trio, Hermione completely OWNS in this movie and she flees the party with her Mary Poppins 2.0 purse and, with Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum in tow, apparates to central London. They’re all still a little tipsy from the festivities and the contact high they got from Xenophilius Lovegood, so, like every drugged, freaked out 17 year olds before them, they go to a sketchy dinner. They sit there for hours, sipping coffee, talking about death and how they're in love with some dark senior they've never had an actual conversation with. Oh wait. That was me when I was 17. They just awkwardly order cappuccinos until a couple of Death Eaters bust in and Hermoine is all like, "Bitch, please. Granger OUT."

And they show up at... GRIMMAULD PLACE! They figure the secret location is still being kept by the secret keeper or whatever. For whatever reason, the muggle neighbors have never noticed the wizards coming in and out or the fact that every few hours their floors and wall shift and an extra house appears. Who cares, they're back where Gary Oldman used to live. He's dead, of course, and why put any more energy into expanding upon the mysterious circumstances of that (see bracketed passage above) but it's fine because we get to see more of Grimmauld place from different angles with sunlight streaming through the kitchen windows and we can imagine what Sirius Black would look like in the morning while making a pot of tea. Also, there's a piano and Hermoine is teaching Ron how to play. Which means that Sirius black probably played piano. Can you tell I let my mind wander during this scene just a tad more then I was actually paying attention? When I awoke from my reverie, Kreacher had Mundungus Fletcher by the collar and they were talking about how Dolores Umbridge has the locket. (I guess I missed the part when they revealed that Regulus Black was RAB, but honestly, it was so obvious that when I first read it in the book, I was convinced that Regulus was a smokescreen and that RAB was Rabastian Lestrange). Off we go to the Ministry to find Imelda Staunton!

(And now I will take ten minutes to watch Jennifer Grey on Dancing with the Stars. Excuse me.)

Okay, back. In case you're wondering, Jennifer Grey won and it was awesome. Anyhoo, the trio must infiltrate the Ministry because that's where Vera Drake works (Imelda Staunton was nominated for an Oscar for the title role in Vera Drake in 2004. Look it up). But how are they to get in? They're gonna knock out three random people without finding out who they are before hand, shoot some Polyjuice and go into the Ministry, that's how! Because, for some reason, even though Hermione had the foresight to pack a 24 hour Duane Reade in her purse and learn all of these super complicated protective charms, when Ron was like, "Hey Hermmie, since we're about to break in to the most heavily fortified, evil controlled headquarters in the world, it might be prudent to research the people we capture before we assume their identity," Hermoine was like, "There's no tiiiimmmmeeeee!"

Luckily, they pick three really convenient people: one works in the office where Umbrige works, one is Umbrige's... stenographer...? and one is married to the chick on trial. And dude, these actors were SO. GOOD. These might even be... my favorite performances of the film!! ::Balloon drop!! Marching band!! Rabbis and Priests kissing!!:: They were all just spot freakin' on! Especially ESPECIALLY the guy that played D. Rads. I mean, he had that weird, limpy "Richard III before the evil but during the awkward" walk down to a tee. And the actress that played Emma beautifully perfected that weird shruggy thing she does. So yay for them. Yay for these three actors who probably graduated head of their classes at RADA and completed a three year stint with the Royal Shakespeare Company. You have gotten your feature film moment of glory by imitating 17 year olds who are more rich and famous then you will ever be. Yay for you guys.

This scene in the ministry was actually quite well done, I thought. And I'm going to point something out to you that you might have missed because, well, it was a really subtle motif throughout the movie. Death Eaters are just like Nazis! Did you miss that? It's okay if you did, I'm sure you're a very astute audience member. Perhaps you were getting a drink during the scene when dozens of wizards in creepy union were printing out anti-muggle posters that looked a lot like Third Reich propaganda. Or maybe you were peeing out said drink whenever a Death Eater walked by with a red arm band or a Gestapo leather trench coat. Or maybe you were struck by a case of spontaneous deafness whenever anyone mentioned blood purity. Perhaps you are illiterate and couldn't read the "Magic is Might" posters. Or maybe you are just colorblind and have not noticed how blond the Malfoys are(with the exception of Narcissa's inexplicable skunk-wig). Guys, Death Eaters are just like Nazis. Have I blown your mind? No? Well, according to Snapple facts, the average person farts at least 12 times a day whether they notice it or not. Your mind = blown.

Anyway, the potion begins to wear off and the trio are about to make a hasty exit when, OH NOZ! It's the Crocodile Hunter's Scottish Brother, Yaxley! Hermione is all, "Bitch please, Granger ou-" but before she can get to the "t", she hears the horrible rip of flesh and realizes that she has apparated without half of Ron's arm. They end up on some secluded part of the Twilight set, and Hermoine attempts to heal Ron's skin as he sobs, mumbling something about how that was "his favorite one to use." There is a shot of Hermione casting a protective charm with blood on her hand that was made just so the trailer would look really intense. These kids sure have grown up, movie-goers. I mean, just yesterday they were just so darned cute that it didn't matter whether or not they could act, and now here they are, waving their blood stained hands in front of their faces like some sort of demented allusion to Fosse.

Harry has another acid flashback and sees big V interrogating and killing Gregorovitch the wand-maker before going off and looking for some kid that stole something very important. But no one cares about this because Ron is wearing The One Ring, forged in the fires of Mordor where shadows lie... sorry, I mean the locket.... and it's making him super self-conscious. He thinks Harry and Hermione are hooking up. So he's all like, "Dicks before chicks man!" and peaces out, leaving Harry and Hermione alone to reenact the kitchen scene from the Big Chill in their tent. It's strange, but funny I guess. Mostly because I watch Daniel Radcliff dance and think about how lucky this kid is that he's a mega movie star with more money than God and didn't ever have to go to a high school social. But Hermione's either madly in love with Ron or on the rag big time, because not even Harry's awkward step-touch can cheer her up.

They go to Godric's Hollow to meet Bathilda Bagshot who, being Dumbledore's fag hag, new him better than anyone. She invites them in for tea and they spend a lovely, cozy Christmas sharing laughs and pleasant memories. JK! Bitch is possessed by a snake. It's not pretty. It's actually pretty damn hard to watch. Harry also breaks his wand. Hermione assures him that it happens to lots of guys and that he shouldn't be embarrassed, they can just watch TV or cuddle or something. But Harry is pissed anyway.

That night, Harry is sitting alone, applying his guy liner, listening to some Dashboard Confessional, when he sees a doe Patronous. Because he only has half a brain and that half is too consumed with self-pity to think anything through, he follows the doe without question, even though there is no reason for him to believe that it isn't a Death Eater trap. The Patronous leads him to a frozen pond where he sees the sword of Gryffindor lying at the bottom. Harry, Rhodes Scholar that he is, strips down to his undies and jumps on in. The water is way below freezing and, decent as your torso may be, Taylor Lautner you are not but, sure, jump in naked, HP. Go to town. Of course, the locket goes nuts and tries to drown him. Good for you, locket. And, in a startling turn of events, Harry realizes that he could not swim after all and the frigid water sends him into shock. Death spasms shake his now blue form as Harry Potter drowns, the last thought in his head, "Poor me." The next morning, Hermione is taking her daily cry-walk only to discover the body of her dear friend, forever entombed below the ice.

THE END!

Just kidding! Ron comes and saves the day! And this is where it gets kind of ridiculously inappropriate. Before Ron can destroy the Horcrux, visions of his worst fears appear, including spiders, clowns and... oh yeah... HARRY AND HERMIONE GOING AT IT! Like, they are naked and there are tastefully obscured boobies and there is tongue involved. Really?! I mean really??? Listen, I'm not opposed to sex. Sex is awesome and everyone should be having it all the time. I understand that we're supposed to accept that the trio are not kids anymore. They are adults and have adult desires and adult fears. But... ew. Just ew. Point taken, David Yates, but still with the ewww.

Ron manages to destroy the Horcrux and is feeling pretty damn good about it. He goes to find Hermione so he can tell her how manly and burly and badass he is, but she is just really pissed that he was gone for so long. Women, am I right?

I think we'll pause here for the evening. My, how we've progressed: we're almost through the whole movie! And I haven't even told you about how I feel about Jack Sparrow's gay wizard brother (the feelings are VERY positive) or about how I don't hate Emma Watson nearly as much anymore. We just have so much to talk about... I just have such a short attention span. Seriously, I've stopped to play tetris five time while writing this paragraph alone. Give me a couple of days and we'll wrap this bitch up.

Isn't the anticipation delish?

A Post The Way Potter Fans Like It... In Multiple Installments

I want to preface this article with one thing: I’m an adult. Only a few days ago I celebrated my 24th birthday amongst dear friends and an obscene amount of cheap beer in the West Village. We were all, my adult friends and I, fresh from our day jobs in an array of rumpled tailored blazers and hastily applied eyeliner (and that was just the guys) bitching about bills and laughing at our own pretentious jokes. Ah, the young, downtown suit crowd. How old we all felt. So professional. Such tools.

I thought about my birthday party after work last night as my little Rav Four barreled down 2nd Ave. at 11:45, practically breaking the sound barrier, a mangled heap of pedestrians and baby strollers in its wake. I had never missed a midnight showing of Harry Potter, and goddamn it, I wasn’t going to let a little thing like “adult responsibility” break my streak. Of course, on the cinema escalator, my wallet slipped out of my purse and my credit card, ID and Starbucks Card (NO!!) went flying. I was just about to whip out Panicked!Liz when, miraculously, a human Snitch handed me the wayward contents of my purse. His girlfriend, Sybil Trelawney, smiled sympathetically as she looked over my disheveled work shirt and straight legged beige pants that even my grandmother would call “frumpy”. Understanding, I lifted my shirt sleeve to reveal a hastily drawn Dark Mark on my forearm. Fist bumps were exchanged. I was home.

So. From the girl who brought you the Annual Potterhead Awards Volumes 1-7, comes the first part of my three part commentary on the cultural event of the decade (or at least the films inspired by the books that were the cultural even of the decade). Heeeerrreee weeee gooooo!

The film opens with an EXTREMECLOSEUP of Rufus Scrimgeour, played by Bill Nighy. No, not the science guy, the sinfully underrated British actor who sang about feeling Christmas in his fingers and toes. He’s kind of my type, Bill Nighy: you know, an older, distinguished British gentleman who looks like he’s been smoking since he was 14. (Which reminds me… how was I the only one in the theatre who cheered for my sweet sweet baby, Gary Oldman, during the Red Riding Hood trailer? Have you children already forgotten Sirius Black? Who are you… JK Rowlingafter book five? Blamo!) Anyhoo, these are dark times, but the Minstry is still strong says Davey Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. The skies are overcast, the trio is angst-y, a storm is coming, blah blah blah. I enjoyed this (especially the scene in which Hermoine “Obliviated” the crap out of her parents) but I was disappointed by the lack of closure we got with the Durselys. Oh well, Fiona Shaw, you glorious lesbian, I’ll see you at BAM later this season, I guess.

We follow the (tragically underused…more on that later) Alan Rickman to Malfoy Manor (Where were the white peacocks? For the thirteen dollars I spent on this ticket, there should have been at least one white peacock) where Voldemort is sitting all menacing and noseless. Everyone is there because, for some reason, the Malfoys have a dinette set that sits about 75 people and that ol’ Slytherin Crest China is just collecting dust, right, so why not have a big, evil dinner party? Yaxley, played in this film by the Crocodile Hunter’s Scottish brother, is there and so is Helena Bonham Carter who, for some inexplicable reason, decided to wear a black version of the wig she wore in that abortion of an Alice in Wonderland fanvid. She proceeds to cross her eyes and wiggle her finger up and down over her lips because she’s crazy. (Does anyone else find this “Norma Desmond on crack” version of Bellatrix to be kind of self indulgent and distracting? Because I do.) Did I miss anything? Oh yeah. There’s a half-dead Hogwarts teacher floating over the table. She teaches Muggle Studies (which is totally not the subject I teach in my fantasies where I am secretly bringing supplies to Sirius Black while he's in hiding circa book three). Also, Voldemort breaks Lucias’ snake-cane-wand because, you know, you can’t let the accessory wear you.

Meanwhile, back at Privet Drive, Harry says goodbye to his cupboard (Omg…get it guys? His world was so small and now it’s so big?!? Do you get it?! Guys, do you get it?!) and The Order of the Phoenix shows up to escort Harry to the Burrow. They get through all of the exposition asquicklyastheypossiblycan so we can get to the action, like wand fights and explosions and naked Harry and Hermoine making out (Oh, I’ll get to it. Patience, my darlings). The dialogue goes something like “Hey this is Bill, he’s a Weasley and he just became a Werewolf who’s married to Fleur and guess what Remus and Tonks are also married and Tonks is having a baby and also she’s blonde.” Got all that? Good, five chapters in thirty seconds. They all shotgun some Polyjuice Potion so that they will all look exactly like Ewoks and Voldemort won’t be able to tell which Harry is the real Harry during their flight. (Guys, Daniel Radcliff looks so much like an Ewok that I want to weep).

So, the Order, identically disguised as the cursed spawn of an owl and that chipmunk from Ice Age (read: Harry), fly to the Burrow without incident! JK! There’s a lot of fighting on brooms in the clouds and flashes of red and green light. The valiant Hedwig (the bird, not the one with the Angry Inch) gives the real Harry away while she’s trying to protect him and pays for it with her life. Boo-hoo. Birds are gross. Voldemort is temporarily bested but it doesn’t really bother him that much: he’s all like “whatevs”. JK again! He stands in the middle of a field as power lines collapse all around him and he screams in rage. You know, a typical day on the set for Ralph Fiennes.

At the Burrow, Fred shows up with a hole in his head. David Thelwis shows up, pushes Harry up on the wall and is all like “THIS IS ONE OUT OF MY TWO LINES IN THIS MOVIE AND I WILL MAKE THE MOST OF IT! ARE YOU THE REAL HARRY? HOW DO I KNOW? I’LL MAKE OUT WITH YOU IF I HAVE TO!” Also, Moody is dead. Also, Fleur is French. Harry is sad because his life his so hard and he doesn’t want anyone else to die on his behalf. So, like every whinny little five year old bitch before him, he tries to run away with nothing but a knapsack. (God, I hate teenage Harry). Ron’s finds him and is all pissed and screams, “We’re not dying for you, you pussy! Well, your parents did, I guess. So did Cedric. Oh, and Sirius died because you were stupid and fell right into Voldemort’s trap. Oh yeah, and Moody died for you like, ten minutes ago. But other than that… no one is dying for you, Harry Potter! Also Bill and Fleur are getting married tomorrow! They forgot to tell you that in the last scene whentheygottheexpositionoverwithasquicklyaspossible.” Luckily, Harry forgot to pack his training bra so they went back inside. (God, I hate teenage Harry.)

Before the nuptials Harry, decked out in a velvet vest that he stole from the set of Blossom, zips up Ginny’s dress. And SHE’S NOT WEARING A BRA. Maybe Harry can lend her one of his. (Harry sucks). They make-out…it’s gross and weird. Then it’s wedding time! Bill and Fleur kiss under the chuppah and the DJs lead the guests in the Horrah as the bride and groom are hoisted up on chairs! No? Oh right, there are only Christian Wizards. Except for maybe Anthony Goldstein. I bet he's halfsies. All in all, it’s pretty boring for a wizard wedding.

Except! EXCEPT! Xenophilius Lovegood is there doing a weird, Woodstock inspired dance with Luna, and guys, he’s being played by the always delicious Rhys Ifans! I love this character and I love this man! He gets all up in Harry’s business whispering things like “Groovy, dude” and “far out, man”. He literally nuzzles the kid’s hair, eyes all bloodshot, wearing a robe made out of Marsha Brady’s curtains and Harry is thrown back by the stink of weed. Gillyweed, guys. Zounds, did you think I meant marijuana? Merlin’s beard, this is a children’s movie! (Xenophilius Lovegood is so high in this scene and it was so amazing and I wanted the cameras to follow him back to his house so I could watch him stroke the velvet posters in his black light room).

More boring exposition stuff happens. Luckily, it's a wedding scene, so there are plenty of drunken old people that could serve that purpose. My favorite is played by my high school french teacher, Mme. Schiffer, who ominously says to Harry, "Are you sure you knew Dumbledore at all?" And then she says, "Eponine! Why didn't you do your homework? Pour quoi?!" Okay, so that last part I made up. And I doubt that the random drunken wedding witch was actually played by my high school french teacher. But the resemblance is uncanny. Then Kingsly (who, in case you didn't notice he was black, wears wizarding robes that resemble a dishiki) sends a Patronous warning the wedding party that the Ministry has fallen and the Death Eaters are coming!!! OOOHH NOOOZZZ!!

And that is where we'll leave it for tonight.

In the next installment:

-We are introduced to Jack Sparrow's yummy gay wizard brother who, by tomorrow night will spark 100 stupid Hermoine fan fics.

-Harry and Hermoine share a bizarre The Big Chill dance scene in their tent. Also... THEY GET NEKKID!

-I give some begrudging but genuine props to Emma Watson

-And I give out my award for best performance of the film. (It's not Daniel Radcliff).

See you next time, post-potter depressives. It's been a long few years. You can wait a bit longer.