Decade Faves Part 2: Dreams Come True

My dear reader, I would like to open this post the way countless internet posts have opened before me: I would like to describe what I am wearing. Darling, sweet, delicious reader, I am wearing... a Harry Potter Snuggie. A. Harry. Potter. Snuggie. Of course, unless you have been living under a rock made of steel and ignorance, you know what Snuggies are because you've seen those emmy-worthy commercials. Regular folks (just like you and me!) are bogged down by their ever so cumbersome blankets are unable to go about their daily activities. Then, floating into their lives like the deus ex machina in a Greek tragedy comes the glorious SNUGGIE- a blanket with sleeves! Suddenly, it's easy to read or talk on the phone or roasting things on spits in your backyard fire pit.

Now, I enjoy my Snuggie ironically of course. But that's what this decade was about, wasn't it? Ubiquitous merchandising on useless shit. The combination of the decade's most pervasive fictional character spread across an object that typifies the laziness that grew exponentially the past ten years.

Speaking of useless, mind-numbing crap:

WORST BASTARDIZATION OF REALLY COOL MYTHOLOGY:
THE TWILIGHT SERIES: Listen. I was fourteen once, and I lived for Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles. Vampires are awesome as a rule. They must kill to stay alive, and very often this gives them pause (though not often enough to stop them from killing, thus making them badasses with heart.) Also, they live forever and look really hot for all eternity. Also, they can' come out during the day because they will disintegrate/explode/melt/whatevskies. Also, they're traditionally very sexual beings. Also, they suck necks which is indisputably hot. Do you know what vampires don't do? THEY DO NOT FUCKING SPARKLE. THEY DO NOT IMPREGNATE CHICKS BECAUSE DEAD PEOPLE DO NOT HAVE VIABLE SPERM. THEY DO NOT. GO. TO HIGH SCHOOL.

Girls, I get it. I really do. I'm harsh because I care. Someone needs to tell you that **all Twilight is is fan-fiction (and bad fanfic at that) that doesn't bother with a canonical text.** Read the Vampire Chronicles. Read Lord of the Rings. Read His Dark Materials. Or stop reading altogether. Just stop talking about Twilight.

FAVORITE BADASSES OF THE DECADE:
1- CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: Now, as Johnny Depp's soulmate, I'm undeniably biased. But this is the movie that made Johnny Depp JOHNNY FUCKING DEPP A-LIST MOVIE STAR BITCHES...and with good reason. Johnny was almost fired from the Pirates of the Caribbean set several times for interpreting the charming, swashbuckling hero in the script as a drunken bastard son of Keith Richards and Angela Lansbury. But Depp staggered and slurred his way into our hearts, creating an american cinematic icon. He made pirates cool again (before Somalia made them shitty again.) And we'll just pretend that the second two movies in the series weren't such awful, stinky disasters, okay? Okay.
2- VOLDEMORT: Okay, I know that I've said a hell of a lot abut Harry Potter already, but how could I not? This decade was the golden age of fantasy novels and flicks, and so much of that is owed to JK Rowling. And what good is an epic tale without an epic villain? Voldemort is not the most complicated of dudes, he's just pretty effing evil. Sure, we gain insight into his past late in the series, but ultimately, he's just an evil, power-hungry badass motherfucker.
3- TONY SOPRANO: Intimidating even while snorting like a pug and wearing a dirty, white bathrobe.
4- SULLY: Some people call him a hero. And he is, indisputably, a hero. However, I think landing a plane in the Hudson River is not only heroic, but also totally badass.
5- THE DIXIE CHICKS: These three petite blonds from Texas have more balls than any man I know. Country music is their bread and butter and they still had the guts to say of the war in Iraq "We do not want this war, this violence, and we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas." Radios stopped playing their music and they lost a good portion of their fan base. But I think that was a quintessential rock and roll move, and those little ladies are totally badass.

FAVORITE BADASS NAMED STEPHEN COLBERT:
STEPHEN COLBERT: I am a proud member of the Colbert Nation. He harpoons pompous talking heads like Bill O'Reily and Glenn *vomit* Beck by becoming them in glorious parody. He coined vocab words such as "truthiness" and "Lincolnesque." He takes pride in his balls. He took his show to Iraq for a week where President Obama ordered him to shave his head. He gets members of the CM to ban together and get shit named after him, like a bridge in Norway and a treadmill in a NASA space station. And I'm sorry, I think he's a good looking man. Even with his bum-ear.

MOST RIDICULOUS ACCENTS AND DIALECTS OF THE DECADE
1-THE CAST OF TRUE BLOOD: Anna Paquin has an Oscar and a Golden Globe. You would think she could spring for a vocal coach.
2- HUGH LAURIE AS DR. HOUSE: Dude. Have you heard this guy's voice in real life? It's like Jeremy Irons and Julia Child's accents had a baby. But as Dr. House, Laurie is convincingly New Jersey. Princeton NJ, not Tony Soprano NJ.
3-ENVER GJOKAJ AS VICTOR ON DOLLHOUSE: A doll is a blank canvas onto which an infinite personalities can be imprinted and Enver Gjokaj, with a name almost ridiculous as his ability to switch dialects on a dime, is also yummy as hell.
4- ARIANNA HUFFINGTON: I don't really feel like I need to qualify this one. Yes, she's ridiculously articulate, but I can't help but laugh whenever she stops by the Colbert Report or the Daily Show. If you've never heard this woman speak go on youtube and look her up.
5- PHILLIP SEYMORE HOFFMAN AS TRUMAN CAPOTE: For someone twice Tru's size, Phil sure does sound like him.

FIVE FAVORITE VIRAL SENSATIONS
1- DR. HORRIBLE'S SING ALONG BLOG: NPH as a nebbishy evil scientist. Nathian Fillion as a douchebag superhero that sings about how there's a hero in "you and you and mostly me but you." An Evil League of Evil. Bad Horse. Loves. Loves. Loves.
2- A VERY POTTER MUSICAL: As reluctant as I am to give any credit to the musical theatre dept. at Michigan, this student written full length (yes, full length) fan musical is soooo good. Featuring Voldemort and Professor Quirell back to back in the same costume, a couple of horrible wigs and a petit chick in a short blond wig as Draco Malfoy. Especially when it's bad. Watch it. It'll take you a couple of days, but it's worth it.
3- SHOES BY KELLY: Omigod Shehs. Please pretend that you didn't walk around for months saying it. Please.
4- THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: This arguably kick-started Andy Sandberg's career, but I think that the unsung hero of this video is Chris Parnel. He has me from the gangsta way he says "hello" when he picks up the phone. You'd think I'm Aaron Burr from the way I'm dropping Benjamins.
5- DICK IN A BOX: Step 1, put a hole in a box...

TOP FIVE WTF?! MOMENTS THAT I COULDN'T MAKE UP IF I TRIED
1- THE SUPREME COURT STOPS THE RECOUNT OF THE 2000 ELECTION: Every vote counts. JK! WTF?!
2-BERNIE MADOFF JACKS EVERYONE'S SHIT: Thanks, Bernie. That's what the Jewish community needs. A Jewish investment banker stealing 50 billion (with a "b"!) from to quote Jon Stewart, "Everyone that has ever been to a seder." There are practically no charities in New York unharmed by this asshole's greed. Because there's not enough anti-semitism in the world. I mean... WTF?!
3- BALLOON BOY: A little obvious, I know. But what kind of sociopaths tell their six year old son to hide in the garage while mommy and daddy go and pull the fast one on the country by literally making them stare at something shiny for three hours. I do really love how when it came out that they "met in acting school" everyone kind of went "Oh. That makes sense." Balloon Boy. WTF?!
4- BARACK OBAMA IS ELECTED PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES: I was on the Long Island Railroad after work one night, when I got a text that Obama had officially won. A kind of murmur went through the train car. Unable to contain myself I screamed... "OBAMA!" and everyone broke out into cheers. Except for a couple of old biddies in ugly hats. Not all WTFs are bad. Who could have predicted at the beginning of the decade that we would end the decade with a black president. Thank you, Oprah. And WTF?!
5- A CHIMP RIPS SOMEONE'S FACE OFF: W. T. F.

FIVE FAVORITE ALBUMS OF THE DECADE
1- I'M WIDE AWAKE, IT'S MORNING -BRIGHT EYES: Oh, Conor Oberst. Only you know my pain. Seriously, this gorgeous emo sonofabitch is one of the great songwriters of our generation. This pre-Cassadaga album has a little more than a hint of the old Conor angst with slightly cohesive musicality than older Bright Eyes albums like "Lifted or the Story Beneath the Soil" or "Fevers and Mirrors." Once you listen to track one, you'll fall in love with him because you will think that no one knows you like he does. Well, back off, bitch. Master Floppy Hair Green Eyes is mine.
2- YES, VIRGINIA - THE DRESDEN DOLLS: Weimar burlesque cabaret angry chick punk rock? Is that a category? It is now. And NO ONE puts on a live show like Amanda Palmer. Do you hear me?! NO ONE!
3- POSES - RUFUS WAINWRIGHT: Who hasn't sat down on a piano bench and tried to pluck out the opening chords of "Cigarettes and Chocolate Milk?"
4- BEGIN TO HOPE - REGINA SPEKTOR: REgina Spektor is one of those artists, like Kate Nash, that you listen to once and you go "Okay. Cool." Then you put the album away until a few days later, alone in your car you find that you can't get one of the tracks out of your head. So you put it on and listen to it again. And again the next day. Then you realize that you're humming it in the shower or before bed or... let's say... I don't know, writing a blog that no one reads. The song "Apres Moi" is a great example of this.
5- BEN FOLDS- BEN FOLDS: He's a killer songwriter and musician, but what really distinguishes him from the rest is his killer wit songs real heart. With songs like "Uncle Walter" and "Underground" juxtaposed with "Video" and "Boxing" it's an emotional beating.

FAVORITE GAY ICON OF THE DECADE:
It's a tie!!
1- ELLEN: Ellen! After coming out and subsequently getting offed of her sitcom in 1998 , Ellen made this decade her bitch lover. Sharp, articulate and looking damn good in tailored trousers and converse, Ellen danced her way in our hearts! YES. I SAID IT. SHE DANCED HER WAY INTO OUR HEARTS. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT.
2- LADY GAGA: Oh, if only I was still in college and could write a paper about her. She is the Cher we have been waiting for. She is a Meta-pop star and a full-fledged goddess.

And now... this weeks round of "Marry, Boff Kill" starring the three writer/actors of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia Rob Mcellhenney, Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton.

MARRY: Charlie Day. I know I didn't include him in my picks of the decade. The truth is, ten years is a long time. But I think that he's the most talented comedic actor on television today. Sure, he's not the tallest, but he cleans up nice. Also, he composed the Sunny Musical: The NIghtman Cometh. He's the perfect, scruffy little hubbie. It's implied that you can also sleep with your husband in this game, right?

BOFF: Glenn Howerton. Just the way I like them: gorgeous, hilarious, Julliard trained, beautiful singing voice... and gay. Still, it's just a boff.

KILL: It truly pains me to kill Rob Mcellhenney. Truly. He is the brains behind the whole Sunny operation. He created the show, often directs it and is the head writer on the staff. So why kill him? Because I figure there are already five kick-ass seasons of Sunny that he would leave as a legacy. And he's the only one left.

Who will I marry/boff/kill on the next entry? Hm...

Happy Hanukkah, he-brews and she-brews! Menorah... I don't even know her! Har har har.

xo.